Trying to articulate something painful is difficult. But I will give it a go. After all, isn’t this the purpose of a blog?
Sadly, this is my pain that I confront on a daily basis. It doesn’t get easier and it doesn’t go away but it is now bearable.
I am childless. Not through choice but because my body wasn’t going to work quite how it should. Before I got married I knew this and so did my ex-husband. I gave him the option to walk away from ‘us’ but he didn’t want to. He said ‘we’ would never part. He was convinced that he didn’t want children.
But wanting children and having to accept you will not be able to have them is a bitter pill to swallow. Especially for a little girl who only dreamed of being a ‘Mummy’ and who wanted no less than five children.
I had my hysterectomy aged 35. The surgeon made it very clear that it was a decision that couldn’t be taken lightly but without having the surgery he could only make my life 50% pain free and I didn’t like that percentage (I was, at that time, in such pain I couldn’t walk without extremely strong painkillers).
It took me weeks to make the decision and then I had my operation.
I cried my heart out for a long time. Nothing could take away the pain that was now settling deep within my soul. I had finally denied myself any chance of having children.
After the operation, the surgeon said to me “I hope you feel you’ve done the right thing. If it’s any consolation I am not sure you would have been able to conceive… you would have had to have had several operations before trying”. It was no consolation but I do believe that I have saved myself a lot of heartache trying to have the children I so desperately yearned for.
So what has helped me deal with this? Without a shadow of a doubt, my faith has been the only thing that has got me through this. I know that the very real and deep pain that I couldn’t articulate for years has gone, through God’s grace, and I have been healed from such a huge disappointment and a very real pain. I am free from the bondage that kept it trapped deep within me. I can speak about it now.
I will never know how much this actually contributed to my divorce but quite honestly that is done and dusted and I look forward now rather than back.
On the up-side, I am blessed to have children in my life. I am lucky to be the one that can drop in and out of their lives and bring some chaos with me and I am so grateful for that. Friends’ children tell me all their stories and we have fun together. It’s a lovely friendship I can offer them. I have a wonderful niece and nephew who mean the world to me and godchildren who are unique and amazing and they all have very special places in my heart.
So… that is my painful truth. It’s nowhere near as painful any more, but although scars don’t disappear they do get much easier to look at over time.